What happened with me and the church?

Mark Stewart commented on my post titled "My Faith - now" from the 7th, November the following:

" I have read this over and over and still do not understand what you mean by "but somehow I'm not able to get past the emotional hurdle of the Faith having been hugely discredited in me by my former church." "

I have in quite a number of conversations now been asked the question, "Ivan, what happened with you and the church?" Its a question I have only succeeded in answering somewhat with few people as it takes me ages and concentration, that I never have in public places, to answer. I need to formulate a coherent answer to it sometime, so here's a draft which is also a reply to Mark Stewart's comment:

Its quite unchartered area for me to describe as a large part of my issues with this specific church still remain unconscious and emotional. But to venture into it, I think it a very central factor how my faith was largely dependent on my social surroundings (as stated in the original post.) To this effect my faith dwindled when the social climate changed to my disadvantage - coupled and tripled with numerous other areas in which the church did not address the issues that I was struggling with, and when some of the issues did surface they were badly handled.

This is turning out very vague, isn't it? I think what I'm trying to say is that there was a lack of depth, or I just didn't encounter it. I was too busy leading worship and facilitating the youth to delve into both the spiritual realm and myself or to equip myself (or let myself be equipped) to handle life in- and outside the church. I guess you could say that my connection to God and myself wasn't maintained, wherefore I ran out of fuel. I neither knew who I was or who God was but instead I spent my time being distracted with moods (also in worship) and battling superficial sins.

In addition to this (or is it in relation to it?) I found myself stuck in a role in my relations to the youth group, in that I was always the irresponsible, late-coming, flirting guy you could safely get a laugh out of with a clever variatino of a "who're-you-flirting-with-now"-joke. And since I am no good for radical, life-changing spurts of personal growth, breaking out of this role was next to impossible - short of taking hour-long heart to heart talks with everyone there.

I also lacked rolemodels or a mentor. Questions about faith, love, application of faith, morality and ethics, theology, philosophy and mysticism (and the question of why there was never any victory in my heart, no swords and shields to brandish) were building up and I had no-one to turn to and no energy to read litterature about it. It seemed that all the sermons that I did hear (usually because I was leading worship in that service) had nothing to tell me about the abovementioned subjects and all the people around me hid their thoughts about it behind a thick coating of slightly varying adapted social etiquette. I don't remember having eye contact with anyone, much less did I spill my heart to anyone. All my input on existentialistic issues came from my school and my classmates - and you do (to an extent) believe what you hear!

So, based on the abovementioned, with reservations as I am not yet aware of all the factors that have come into play within me, I left into the 'real world' on my own with not much else than 2 friends and a family - not that that isn't much; they counted for a lot and still do!

Now, I am aware that the abovementioned bears alarming resemblance to the picture of a self-pitying, youthfully narcissistic ball of snot but I am painfully aware of many things I could and should have done differently to maintain myself on top of my activities and my responsibilities. I hope this is taken rather as an example of what can go wrong for people like me so that someone else might benefit from any increased perspective and understanding a reader has hopefully gleaned from my story.

In this way, I work on not hating (to ANY degree) the institution that is this church or anyone who attend it - I just don't go there because I still have a very bitter taste in me when I do go.

worrying about the aftermath

In the aftermath of a battle, wherein one had to contend with not victory but an overall defeat, it is hard to know what to do with oneself. The time, until the next occasion for battle, seems unchallengably long, and so you find yourself warring your own defeated spirits until you decide to move on. This is my decision to move on. Nonetheless, the feelings do not evaporate instantly.

Nonsense! I will forget the defeat and wait upon my salvation which is expected within a couple of months. Until then, defeatism prevails in my inner man.

music is for me and I am for music - go, power ranger

Behold! [Trumpets] I have decided (yet another decision, yeah, and the trumpets are outta tune too - nonetheless, give me a chance!) I have decided that I wanna be a music guy. (Thank you, Mayer) I wanna be about (with certain reservations) guitars, sounds, jazz players, riffs, modulations, music as a tool, me as a tool, tools in general (sidetracked already!) uhh.. yeah, strings, singing techniques, singers, genres, songwriters, lyrics, concerts etc etc etc...! But wait, there's more
! (Its late (again) and I should be in bed (again))

I'll calm down now.. [smile] The thing is, I was talking to a friend the other day who got all worked up about imagining my future - a good one at that - but it freaked me out! I felt really old already and I realised that if I wanted to go anywhere serious, I'd have to strap on 'em boots and get on the field. I'm hyped about being proactive, a go-getter who sets his mind on something and runs like a bat outta hell.. -would fly, but the imagery's clear enuff.

Couple the abovementioned factor with my job at Café Borgen (which is going rather well, thank you for asking) where I'm (sorta) in charge and in control, ergo my being in charge of myself, and you'll be getting near what I am thinking now:

I wanna go the places I wanna go!

I was reading a book where the first chapter was all about how many people 'got stuck' in, par example, mediocre jobs with possibility for promotions but nothing in sight. Many times this is not due to lack of skill or ability but rather lack of drive, vision and overview. Don't you have to establish where you are, where you want to go and then go there? (rhetorical questions are cheap, yes) -Whereas many of us contend with where we are (whereever that is) and only make a dull move when its getting to be that time where people around us start to ask why we aren't pursuing an education or a trade (or woteva).

I just wanna be proactive and explore how far I can actually go (and prove to one or two that I can actually go friggin-far-farther-by-far than they'd thought of me!) [angry-fella-face]

So for now I've set my sights on guitar/singing/music and I'm gonna start being proactive about surrounding myself with sources of inspiration and spending my money on relevant stuff.. :)